I wish she knew…
There she is, standing at her locker talking to friends without knowing the way I truly feel about her. As I walk by she grants a friendly smile; I wish she knew. Whatever—I think to myself—story of my life. With a swift move into the door and the resonance of the hour bell, I am back in class again, still only a dreamer. As the day goes on my mind continues to wander as my heart makes wishes. When the day ends, I quickly gather my homework and make a break in the opposite direction towards her locker. I walk—walk as quickly as I could in hopes to see her but one more time; or even better, get a chance to say goodbye and see her beautiful smile one last time. There I am standing in the hallway with her nowhere in sight, with unbearable pain in my heart I feel like dying. The pain viciously tore my heart; and before tears formed, I made my way through the hall of other couples fighting my way to the bus. The immature chatter of others and talk of relationships bring me down even further. In an attempt to drown out the hurt, I listen to the very music that reminds me of her. After my departure, I begin my way trudging down the street to my house. When I finally stumble through the door, I drop my backpack and plop on the couch. With headphones in, the instant my eyelids shut I venture off into dreamland—as always she is the featured guest. I grasped the dream tight and held it extremely close, my love pulsing throughout like an arterial system. When I finally awake I realize nothing was real and I am stuck in the world where she does not know. The news comes with pain, and I am suddenly overcome with the fear she never will. It kills me inside; especially knowing it would be my own fault. I really wish she knew. With the semester coming to an end my biggest fear is not the exams, but the nightmare that I will have no classes with her second semester. With the time I have to tell her how I truly feel coming to a close; every day is a battle between my heart and my mind. I want nothing more than to tell her; my heart beats faster when I see her and out of my chest when we talk. The very thought of losing her scares the shit out of me. Shaking the horror, I pull up my back-pack with a thrust and a heave and begin my homework trying to forget about the whole situation. It is no use, she is stuck on my mind and will never leave—not that I want her to—if there is any girl worth this much heart-ache this is definitely the one. Her smile brightens up my day and her voice cheers me up. She is the epitome of a dream girl and deserves a king, she is the essence of beauty and deserves nothing but the best, she is amazing and the one I care about most. I wish she knew.
Joey, you did a good job with taking an interesting idea and without making it cliche got your ideas across. You may want to split it into multiple paragraphs though. Other than that it had effect and was a good piece.
ReplyDeleteJust the way you described everything in this story was amazing Joey. As a reader, I could really feel the emotion you put in this piece. The only thing I'd say to improve on is your word choice in some areas. But otherwise it was a great piece. I really like reading your writing.. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteJoey, you are such an amazing writer. The emotion and diction that you put into this really made your story very strong. I really like the lines, "I am back in class again, still only a dreamer. As the day goes on my mind continues to wander as my heart makes wishes. " Your story is very relate able which makes people want to read it more. You did such a good job!
ReplyDeleteYour story was great, especially because it is in a setting that we all can relate to. I liked how you kept everything in one paragraph, because it seemed like an on-going thought, one that the narrator couldn't get out of his mind. Maybe next time try to improve your diction, so that you do not use the same word back to back in two sentences. Otherwise, great job.
DeleteGreat job! I especially love the part right after waking up. We all feel that way sometimes, after a great dream, and then you wake and reality slaps you in the face. Also, when being brought down by other people's conversations and couples, we all feel that sometimes, too. I like this story a lot, it is so true to real life.
ReplyDeleteYou're an amazing writer! The diction and the emotion throughout the whole story was awesome! I could really feel what you were thinking. I also loved the fact that your story can relate to other people's lives! Really nice job!(:
ReplyDeleteNicely Done! The emotion of the story is very apparent through out the piece and the voice makes it even more apparent. The one thing I would work on would be to add a bit more diction, other than that very well done.
ReplyDeleteVery well written story. Every step of the way you had me in the story. I couldn't stop reading. The only things I would change would possibly add more diction, anaphora and alliterations.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you could feel your emotion in this story through your word choice and the way you crafted your sentences. I don't think I would change anything about this story. Way to go Joey!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good story. I think the best part of it was how you allowed your emotions to show in your story. To make it better you maybe could have added some stronger diction, but other than that it was great.
ReplyDeleteGreat story Joey! The emotions running throughout this piece was great. Stronger diction could have been used and paragraph formations were needed. Other than that, nice job!
ReplyDeleteJoey your story was written very well. I really liked how it was set in a scenario that every high school student as, making it relatable like the lockers and the couples in the hall. It had so much emotion and yo uhad so much show not tell it was fantastic. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteJoey, that was probably one of the best stories I've read. I really felt like I was in that position with all the feelings that you included. The ending was great with describing her and the use of writing skills and it's a nice way to end the story with a short powerful sentence, keep it up, nice work.
ReplyDeleteEven though I already read and edited this, I really gotta say this turned out great! You put so much emotion and voice in your writing. Keep your heart open because there are so many girls out there. You're a beautiful writer and person, Joey.
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